That Drifting Excrement Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the Television Letdowns of the Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a selection of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to bafflingly poor docuseries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with dreadful writing, painful arcs (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final series began, it seemed as if it had at last hit its stride. Then arrived an episode centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner announced this would be the last season. It ended on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet flooded with poo was just way too symbolic. Still, viewers certainly had a hoot dissecting every single “wtf?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't let out a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Is Kim Kardashian an actress? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this show's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The laughably leaden writing? The mind-numbing glorification of affluence and materialism? The almost deliberate procession of tropes? Acting so bad they felt almost malicious? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. Except, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Given the restraining orders, abuse allegations and parental failures, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d truly have gleaned it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this volatile personality was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charming but flippant narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Of course we understood it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Dodgy figures convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other problems. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various London picaresques which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively angry commentators, it’s almost easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various ventures into quaint lifestyle as deliberate provocations. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue animated; a meme for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, Hallmark platitudes and pointless crafting “hacks” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by immense, largely undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series chose not to say them. Rather, the experience was like reading a sales brochure. She clearly has every right to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Inheritance
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her estate. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s even now too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to live up to something far greater than it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The star took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity cameos involved felt uncomfortable.
Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the smart recruitment of talented emerging comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known ranting mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated sensitively. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from oddly breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A complete mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a discovery that could destabilise society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more absurd by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator renowned for sexual exploits as she prepared for her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.